Rise of the Discordant: The Complete Five Book Series Read online

  I don’t do nothin’ too harsh, mind you. I’m just a lesser demon. I ain’t got the drive for much else. The ones who go off the deep end and murder their families? Yeah, no. Those ain’t me. The ones who go off the deep end and say crazy things to the press? Yup. The ones that end up whacked out or in rehab? Oh yeah, that’s me, baby! King of the celebrity train wreck!

  Well, I was. Up until a couple three days ago.

  I could curse Desmond all day and all night for binding me here! A dive bar ain’t no kind of a place for a demon. Ain’t nobody here at the top of their game. Heck, ain’t nobody here even got directions to the stadium. All those bad things and poor decisions? They ain’t in the past for these folks. They’re all right here in the spotlight. These folks is here under the false pretense that alcohol is some kind of a magical mind eraser that takes away all the bad things life throws at ya. I ain’t gonna tell ‘em otherwise, but you can see how someone like me’s gonna loose interest and fast. Maybe I shoulda gone to New York. I betcha Wall Street’s gotta have a fat load of shifty regrets that could keep me in high spirits for a good long while. Too late now though. I’m stuck slinging happy juice somewhere in Hell’s least pleasant armpit.

  “Yo, bartender!”

  Yeesh! As I was sayin'…

  “What can I get for ya?” I asked, pasting a nice, if not utterly fake, smile on my mug. Mr. Manners weren’t too steady on his feet, but his eyes was still clear and he was carryin’ some serious baggage.

  “Pitcher of Bud and four glasses for me and my homies.”

  “Hey, ah, you sure about that?” I asked, sizing him up. “I mean, you’re kinda wobbly there. How much you already had?” Like I said, I’m a demon, but I got standards. I ain’t about to be responsible for people goin’ off and drivin’ drunk. I had some principals.

  He glared at me and raised a cane I hadn’t seen ‘cuz of the bar bein’ in the way. “I’m always kinda wobbly, a-hole.”

  “Ah hell, sorry, buddy,” I said, sliding him the pitcher and a couple of glasses. “I musta missed my sensitivity training. You take that one on me, ‘kay?”

  I think I might’ve threw ‘em off with that one. After some momentary confusion, he smiled and even left me a tip. I guess great uncle Howie was right: There ain’t nothin’ broke that free booze can’t fix.

  Now before you go writin’ me off as a big ol’ softie, let me remind you that I am a demon. I just so happened to peek into his head and noticed that injured leg of his weren’t half as bad as he was makin’ it out to be. He was worried ‘cuz the case worker who was handling his worker’s comp claim was also in the bar and keepin’ a close eye on him. If Des had left me any powers, I mighta given the guy a nice big dose of paranoia, put some popcorn in the microwave, and sat back to watch the show. But since Des didn’t see fit to leave me anything useful to my craft, I had to improvise. If all went well, buddy would get blitzed enough to screw up on his own.

  Okay, I gotta admit, but don’t you dare tell nobody, bartending ain’t half bad. I kinda got a kick outta being the guy with the magic happy juice. All that melancholy and woe is me stuff that knocked me over when I first showed up was beginning to fade. In its place? Temporary happiness, liquid courage, and the promise of all kinds of bad decisions and poor judgment calls in the makin’. I could seriously get down with this. Chaos is chaos and I ain’t picky.

  Of course, there was all this cleanin’ and crap that I wasn’t too fond of. Again, I cursed Desmond for binding me. Well, I verbally cursed him, seein’ as he left me just enough bippity to keep the humans from knowin’ my true form, but no boppity boo for anythin’ else. With my magic, I wouldn’t’ve had to worry about the mundane stuff like washin’ glasses, or running outta bottles, or changing out kegs. But since I didn’t have it, I had to run my butt off and keep the place from fallin’ into chaos. Oh, the irony!

  All this work weren’t leavin’ me with a lot of time to chat up the ladies neither. I mean, come on, that’s the number one perk of this crummy job, ain’t it? Even when I wasn’t runnin’ my tookus off and tryin’ to keep up with the amount of cheap domestic these cretins guzzled, it was slim pickins for a man of my refined tastes. Seemed to me like this town’s primary export was sausage, if ya get my meaning. But just when I started given up all hopes of seein’ some dames, I started believin’ in miracles ‘cuz these three smokin’ babes walked in. Now, I ain’t gonna lie, I’ve seen some hotties in my day. I mean, come on, I been working Hollywood since the invention of the talkie. But these three… Wowzers! All soft curves, long legs, and wavy hair, decked out in these gauzy little dresses that showed way too much sk-

  Aw crap.

  Just as I started to smooth down my shirt and ratchet my charm up to eleven, the ugly truth hit me. Three women (note: that’s a magical number), hotter than any I seen in a good long time, walk into a place like this and no one bats an eye? No one? I took an experimental sniff, hopin’ I was wrong, and nearly gagged. Earth magic. The scent of moss, herbs, dirt, and all that other hocus pocus-y crap invaded my nostrils. These weren’t no ladies. These broads was witches, and they was headed right for me.

  “Good evening, ladies,” I said, puffin’ out my chest and plasterin’ a big ol’ grin on my mug. Don’t ever let it be said that I don’t have grace under pressure, ‘cuz I’m the king of playin’ it cool. “What can I get started for yous dolls?”

  “You’re not fooling anyone with that pathetic glamour, demon,” said the blonde one. She was definitely the leader. I could tell this because of the way the other two hung back, glarin’ at me like a couple of guard dogs waitin’ for the order to sic ’em. “Where’s Seth?” she asked, pointin’ a finger at me like she was gonna blast me with a bolt of lightning. I wasn’t worried though. Earth witches can’t do that. Least, I don’t think they can.

  “Who’s Seth?”

  “Don’t play games with us,” she warned, letting the stink of her magic increase until I had to step back. “You know what we are and you know what we will do if you try anything stupid.”

  “Jeez Louise! Back off already!” I managed to choke as I took in another toxic mouthful of sage and lavender. Though I don’t know if that was the magic or her poor choice of perfume. “Yeah, I know what yous are. Ain’t no need for the whole death by aromatherapy thing ya got goin’, okay?”

  Alright, dumb move, I admit it. Instead of backing off, she let loose with another round of choke the demon. I swear, if I never smell patchouli again in my life, it’ll be too soon.

  “That was just a warning,” she hissed.

  “Oh for the love of cheap tricks and cheaper booze, calm down, lady! If you can lay off your own ego for a moment, you’ll notice that I ain’t even tryin’ to attack you. Even if I wanted to, I can’t do jack squat.”

  “He’s right, Louise,” said the one on the left, a tiny little brunette with these ginormous ta-tas that she musta put some kind of a spell on, ‘cuz I couldn’t take my eyes off ‘em. “His magic has been bound.”

  “Uh huh. Desmond bound me before he took off after the vamp. Wait a second.” I tore my eyes from the scenery and turned back to blondie. “Is your name really Louise?” That was actually kinda funny.

  “Shut up!” maybe Louise snapped, tilting her head to the side, which made her look a lot like a dog who just heard his favorite squeaky toy. “Something isn’t right here.”

  Yeah, no joke, blondie. Sheesh. I could’ve told you that without usin’ a drop of magic. She turned to the other two.

  “What is that? What do you feel?”

  “Something… we’re supposed to forget,” the redheaded one said, screwing up her face in concentration. “Very powerful magic.”

  “Order magic,” the brunette whispered.

  Uh oh. See, here’s the thing about witches. All mystics, really. They can see things that most folks can’t. Like how these three knew I was a demon. Now, with some of ‘em, this works in our favor. It’s easier to get a lost soul to come on over to our sid
e if they already know there’s more to life than meets the eye. But with these three, though, I had a bad feeling they was a little too cozy with the local Order and I didn’t wanna be no part of that.

  “You, demon,” the blonde one snapped at me. “Where is… where’s… dammit!” Watchin’ her screw up her face like she was havin’ a stroke or somethin’ was damned funny, but I weren’t stupid enough to laugh.

  “Where’s the person who used to tend bar here?” the brunette asked.

  “You mean Des?”

  “Her name was Abbey,” the redhead added, lookin’ like she startled herself. This was definitely not good. They musta been in tight with the Order ‘cuz I think they was talkin’ about the Guardian that skedaddled right before I showed up.

  “Dunno no Abbey,” I said with a shrug. “I told you already. I just came in for a drink and Des went and did a whammy on me.”

  The brunette sighed, which made her jiggle a little. I could watch her do that all day. “She’s gone. I felt it. Desmond must be her replacement.”

  “Do you think Seth’s gone too?” the redhead asked.

  “Wait,” I said, remembering the guy Des had been talkin’ to when I came in. “Is this Seth a skinny blond guy, kinda nerdy?”

  “Yeah, that’s Seth,” she said, nodding her head and finally lookin’ at me like I was more than a stain on her cruelty free vegan sandals. “So you have seen him?”

  “Uh,” I reached up and scratched my neck. Not attractive, I know, but nervous habits ain’t easy to kick. “Yeah, see that’s the thing. He left here with the vamp that Des went after. I, uh… How do I put this delicately? I don’t think he uh…”

  “You don’t think he what?” blondie asked, grabbing a fistful of my shirt and pulling me forward. For a broad, she had a strong grip.

  “It’s just… I mean… he left here with a vampire, see… and uh…he’s probably… I mean, come on, a vampire…”

  “Spit it out!” she growled.

  “Aw geez.” She had to be pretty dense not to know what a vampire could do to a guy like that. But I don’t think that was the case. I think she was just lookin’ for an excuse to lay into me. “Look, lady. He went off with a vampire and he wasn’t lookin’ so hot, so I’d say he’s probably… uh… he’s… right over there!”

  Saved! And just in the nick of time, ‘cuz if she twisted my shirt collar anymore my head was gonna pop off. I pointed toward the door, where Des had just walked in, followed by the blond guy I’d seen earlier. He was alive, but he didn’t look too hot in my opinion.

  No wonder. I shoulda realized the pretty boy was an Observer. Now, as a lesser demon, I ain’t got much goin’ on. Most of the other Discordant kinda look down on us for bein’ weak. Sure, it sucks to be the butt of jokes, and I’m sure I wouldn’t’ve been kicked out if I was, say, a shifter or a genie. But there ain’t nothin’ in the world could tempt me to trade places with an Observer, even for a day. Those guys got the short end of all the sticks.

  Blondie didn’t seem to mind, though. With a little more force than was absolute necessary, she shoved me away and threw herself at the Observer. I gotta admit, she did a pretty decent octopus impression as she wrapped every available limb around the guy. I mighta even been jealous if I didn’t already know what kind of a harpy she was. Actually, I take that back. I knew some harpies that were nicer than this chick. Better his problem than mine.

  “Seth, oh thank the goddess!”

  “Oof, oh, hey Louise,” he stammered. “What’s wrong?”

  “I had a vision,” she said, givin’ him a dramatic pout. “Oh Seth, I was so worried about you.”

  “Sheesh,” I mumbled. “Can she be any more obvious?”

  “She was just worried about Seth,” the brunette said defensively. “One must not ignore the visions when the goddess bestows them upon us.”

  “Uh huh,” I said, tryin’ to keep my eyes where they belonged and losin’ that battle. “And you sure it ain’t got nothing to do with the fact that he’s a pretty boy and a powerful one at that?”

  “Well, maybe just a little,” she admitted, shooting me a sly smile before sizing me up. “I’m Betty.”

  “Bogie,” I said, taking the hand she offered.

  “Strange name for a demon.”

  “Well, my name’s really Hubert, but Des gave me the nickname. The hat reminded him of Humphry Bogart and it just kinda stuck.”

  “I like it,” she said with a wink and a smile that was saying a lot of things that I was likin’. I mean, yeah she was a witch and I shoulda been runnin’ in the other direction, but dang… I’m only a demon. I got needs just like everyone else.

  “So, ah, Betty,” I said, turning up the charm. “Since your friends all seem to be occupied, I was wondering if you’d like to uh...”

  “Not so fast, there, Casanova.”

  Curse you again, Desmond. Curse your Warrior ass to the heart of Chaos and back.

  “Somethin’ I can do for ya, boss?” I asked in as nice a tone as I could muster as I watched Betty, and my opportunity for some female companionship, bounce away. Though to be fair, the view from the back was just as nice as all the jigglin’ in the front.

  “Well for starters, you can let folks know that the bar closed ten minutes ago and they need to clear out of here. Then I’m going to need you to clean up the bar, take out the trash, restock for tomorrow, and get your ass some rest because I expect you to be here at six tomorrow to start your shift.”

  “Wait, what? You gonna hire me or something?”

  Des shrugged and looked around. “A bar needs a bartender and I sure as hell ain’t going to do it. Not with everything else going on around here. Since the place is still standing, the job is yours, at least until we get a Guardian.”

  “Uh, gee… thanks Des,” I said, hidin’ my grimace. I mean, sure, bartending weren’t too bad, but I wasn’t ready to throw all in with the Order just yet. “Ya know,” I added, throwin’ caution to the wind. “If you eased up a little on this here binding, I could get a lot more done. Ya know, like the cleanin’ and restockin’. Manual labor ain’t really my thing and it’d sure be a bummer to get some kind of a health code violation ‘cuz I forgot to do somethin’.”

  “Sure would be a bummer, wouldn’t it?” Des narrowed his eyes at me in a way I didn’t like. “Tell you what. Finish out the week without any hocus pocus and without any health code violations and I just might think about it.”

  “Geez, talk about a…”

  “Talk about a what?” Des snarled.

  “Uh,” I plastered on a smiley face. “Talk about a great opportunity. Thanks, Des, I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me.”

  “That’s what I thought,” he said and gave me a patronizing pat on the head before just up and walkin’ away.

  Somethin’ told me this was gonna be a long week!

  Chapter 5

  Strange Bedfellows

  I had barely stepped one foot into the Five Penny before I was overpowered. Not just by the protection spell aimed at me, but by the forward momentum of the witch who cast it.

  “Seth, oh thank the goddess!”

  “Oof, oh, hey Louise. What’s wrong?”

  Legs and arms wrapped around me, throwing off my center of balance. I took a step back so that we both didn’t topple over. Louise was a very good friend and a decent witch, but she had boundary issues and no concept of personal space. There was also little, if any filter on her emotional state. It had taken some doing, but I had learned a technique to filter most of what she threw at me by turning down certain receptors in her presence. Still, there was enough coming through to make me blush.

  “I had a vision. Oh Seth, I was so worried about you.”

  “I’m fine, Louise,” I assured her as I made a vain attempt to untangle her from my person. “But we do need to talk about a situation that’s come up,” I added and shot a pleading look over her head. Desmond had wandered off, but thankfully, Donna, another friend and ve
ry powerful witch, took notice.

  “Come on, let the poor guy breathe,” she said, tugging at Louise’s arm. “Besides, you’re blocking the door and people are trying to get out.”

  “Thanks,” I mouthed to Donna as Louise hopped down and dragged me over to a clean-ish table in the corner. Betty, the third witch in their coven, skipped over from the bar to join us. When she saw me, she put her hands on her hips, peering into my face as if trying to unravel some mystery. Whatever it was she saw seemed to shock her as her eyes went wide.

  “Oh no, you did not!”

  “Huh?” The way she was looking at me reminded me of a mother getting ready to scold a naughty child.

  “Well, at least you’re still in one piece,” she said, shaking her head. “A vampire, Seth? What were you thinking? Did you realize you were chasing a vampire?”

  “Well, I thought I did, but it turns out-” I started, but Donna, who had been staring off at the bar, cut me off.

  “Something isn’t right,” she muttered and turned to me with a look of startled confusion. “What happened to… uh… what’s the name?”

  “Who are you talking about?” Louise asked, irritated by the interruption.

  “Dang it! I just said this and now I can’t remember. You were there, Louise, who was it?” Donna cursed, blinking back tears that confused me.

  “I was where? Are you on drugs or something?”

  “Oh come on!” Donna turned back to me. “The demon’s new. There was a different bartender, wasn’t there?”

  A knot formed in my stomach as the waves of grief and confusion rolled off of her. When Abbey cycled, I had hoped that the Order’s magic was strong enough to cloud Donna’s mind as it had everyone else. Not even a powerful mystic should have had the ability to remember an agent of Order after they cycled, but as with every law, there were exceptions.